i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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