I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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