Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
