I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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