After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
