he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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