Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Everyone says I win the strip club
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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