I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
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I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
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I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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