Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
