my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
