I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
