Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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