and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
