All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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