Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
