remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Life without a bra equals bliss.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
