Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize