I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
