just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Randomize
