I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
