Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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