mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
