I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
