M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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