Need sex. Gaining weight.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
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hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
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Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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