I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
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