I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
