Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
