Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Quick, to the slutcave!
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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