How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
