I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
