Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
