i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
