You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
