my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
