yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
