Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
