It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
FUCK WHALES
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
