do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
