drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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