Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
