So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I think my fart just growled at me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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