I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
