ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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