he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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