I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
