i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
