all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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