Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
