my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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