I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
