It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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