if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
