The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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