How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
i believe in u and ur pee
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
