I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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