That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
