apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
