I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
