my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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